I found this figure by the meditation garden gate. I moved her to an area of the yard framed by wisteria. Since then, I’ve placed other garden treasures near her: a fox, witch balls, wind chimes, copper bells, and random mystical-looking items.
If this were a sand tray, one might say I have resourced her for a heroine’s journey. One might also assume, with some truth, I am resourcing myself for a heroine’s journey.
I’ve thought about the girl heroine’s journey since reading about it in A Therapist’s Guide to Mapping the Girl Heroine’s Journey in Sandplay, a book by Dr. Roz Heiko. In it, she wrote,
“Girls in particular must mediate expectations from without and within. The need to self-regulate in regard to our emotional states and the situations in which girls find themselves, is crucial to living bravely, creatively, and well through the challenges, traumatic experiences and obstacles encountered in daily life,” (2018, p.4)
I’ve often thought of this yard and its various gardens as an immersive sand tray filled with miniatures left behind by the previous owners. Now, I am rearranging the garden treasures and adding some of my own in order to transform the space for my family. But, really, the fairy garden I created among the herbs; the particular arrangement of baubles among the treetops and vines; and even the country kitschy area are all reflections of my personal heroine’s journey of healing, integrating, and becoming.
As I connect with old friends across the U.S. and with new friends here in Northern California, I am discovering that I’m not alone on this journey. Many of us are looking for ways to use the energy and resources we are accustomed to pouring into others—people, their dreams, and institutions—into ourselves.
We are looking to create and work effectively to bring about our dreams in ways that allow us to have time for ourselves and our families.
I think this phenomenon is in part inspired by the pandemic. If not, the pandemic has at least infused it with urgency. For me, the latter is true.
I quit my job a year and a half before the pandemic. In essence, I quit because:
I didn’t have the support I needed to work at the level required to maintain the system as it was.
I couldn’t mold the job into what I needed it to be for me to have more time with my family.
I didn’t earn enough for my husband to quit and take over the family responsibilities.
This wasn’t a 9-to-5 job. It required evening and weekend work. My kids complained that I was working all the time. My laptop followed me around the house. My youngest child learned as a one-year-old to touch my chin and gently turn it toward him before speaking to me. I was not alone. Many parents struggle to balance work and home life. This struggle was heightened by the pandemic.
Covert social messaging gives permission for women to use their resources to tend to others while at the same time says it is selfish to use those same resources for themselves. We tend to integrate a variety of received social messages into our own stories about what is possible … and what is not possible.
These messages can be so integrated into our stories that their influences on us are congruent. They often go without notice. Furthermore, we are rewarded for putting our resources into those around us, even when it’s not our job.
At the same time, as women, we sometimes turn our wants into needs to justify tending to ourselves. “I’ve had it up to here, I need to take a break.” I often work with clients to give themselves permission to be as good to themselves as they are to others. This way they tend to themselves before it becomes an emergency. But it’s more than that.
What would change for you if you got behind your dreams with the same energy and confidence that you offer to others?
What we are wanting:
Write our own book rather than edit and promote other books.
Develop our own unique training program.
Go into private practice.
Leave private practice.
Go back to school.
Work from home.
Be a consultant.
Our why:
To have time with our children.
To support aging parents.
To be flexible.
To use our voice.
To tell our story.
To have an impact.
To better the world.
This is what I am hearing about how women are gathering what we want and need for this heroine’s journey of shifting the narrative and pouring our resources into ourselves:
Bolstering our boundaries.
Saying no when we want.
Saying yes when we want.
Taking time to be.
Creating space away from the negativity in the world.
Connecting with a support system.
Resting.
Reflecting.
Finding activities we enjoy:
Yoga, pilates, working out, walking etc.
Gardening, writing, camping, family trips, etc.
Training and educating for new skills.
Putting their dreams and goals out into the world.
Asking for and accepting help.
Leaping into the unknown.
As we are doing this, we may feel guilty or even like we are “self-sabotaging” other goals. Don’t. This process has value.
Ultimately, we are gathering resources so we can set out into the world—our own fairytale forest of quests—on our heroine’s journey.
Sometimes, we have a map and an idea of what is on the other side.
Sometimes, we decide to take detours.
Sometimes, the map turns out to be wrong.
Sometimes, there is no map.
My fellow heroines, sometimes the only way to figure out where we are going is to get started. Let’s live “bravely, creatively, and well.”
Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.
-Carl Jung