Did you read part one?
Nurture and structure are forms of support that balance one another. Nurturing support is caring and loving support for the being of life. Structured support includes boundaries and routines that hold and carry the doing of life. When these are in balance, we move through life more easily. When they are out of balance, we may feel stuck. Then, we may wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”
I’ve experienced a lot of stuckness over the last few years. It started before the pandemic and culminated in a big move. Just as I was finding momentum, the pandemic hit. Both my internal and external support systems have been out of balance for all of this time.
I wrote about nurturing support here. I will write about structured support below. I’ll focus on my experience during the pandemic. The more I connect with others, the more I learn I am not alone in this pandemic-related stuckness.
Structure and Routine
After more than a year of setting aside my structured days and routines so I could hold my children through virtual school and other pandemic stresses, I am longing for routine. I thought it would come with their return to in-person school in August. It didn’t.
Well, that’s not entirely true. It offered a support baseline that held me through a difficult time in late August to early September. During that time, my cat nearly died, my grandmother died, and on the day of her memorial, my dad found out he had cancer. Immediately after that, one of my children had a false-positive covid test that led to a class-wide shutdown until we could show that it was indeed false.
The structure that held me during these times included my children’s school and sports routines. Their daily practice routines and weekly game routines demanded that I keep going. My minimal work routines and volunteer soccer-mom duties also helped. These routines and a loosely knit web of habits held me during a difficult time. These were decisions about what I needed to do and when that were made for me. They were rather mindless and thoughtless ways of putting one foot in front of another. I didn’t have to think about whether or not to do these things. They had to be done.
Decision Making
Because my energy is already somewhat depleted from living such a disconnected life for so long, I don’t have much reserve for decision-making. Even though I have the freedom to decide how to structure my time now, it’s been so hard to decide. I have spent hours staring at my online calendar trying to make everything fit. When I think it does, I remember something else to add. When I get it all worked out, I feel uncertain about when I want to work out, walk the dogs, exercise, meditate, and go to certain markets. Under normal circumstances, these are simple tasks and I get them done fairly consistently. But these are (still) not normal circumstances.
Collectively Disconnected
I’m not alone. In talking to my clients, friends, and family, I am learning that they feel putting energy into decisions made for them (external deadlines, for example) is much easier than deciding and following through on how to spend their energy/how to structure time. This isn’t necessarily completely new to them.
Some of them, especially the subgroup of “creatives,” have generally struggled with this. Now, we are all carrying the weight of general pandemic fatigue, prolonged states of threat reaction, and lack of what usually helps buffer us in difficult times: fulfilling connection (to self, others, and the natural world).
Needs vs. Wants
Needs are often naturally or externally determined. Wants are internally decided.
When structuring our days, it is generally easier to do the things that are necessary. This is reflected by a general longing for external deadlines. We can attribute this to a variety of factors. One framework to consider, however, is the energy-conserving value of a decision that is made for us. Decision-making is a process that depletes willpower energy. That energy slowly drains throughout the day.
Through this lens, the common saying, “I’ll start tomorrow,” isn’t merely an excuse, it’s a strategy that makes sense. This is an important reframe. Viewing it as an excuse, resistance, or “self-sabotage” is shaming.
Reduce the Energy Drain of Decisions by Creating Habits
Rather than beat up on ourselves, we can use what we know to our advantage. We can create structure and routines that become habits. Rather than use precious and limited energy resources to decide what to do in a day. We can make those decisions up front and then decide to follow through on them. As we follow through, we create new habits that leave the decision-making process behind. This helps us reserve energy for other areas in our life.
Habits feel self-propelled.
To this end, it helps to:
Set a low bar.
Reward often (Nurture).
Start small.
Group a habit you want to make with one already established.
Shift focus from what we are doing wrong (energy-depleting) to what we are doing well (energy infusing).
Reframe routines from things that bore us to things that “hold and carry us.”
Feel the routines you set as the predictable structure that holds you and carries you through uncertain times. After a while, the new act won’t be emotionally dysregulating. It won’t be draining. It will become predictable and steady support that offers a sense of safety.
Nurture and Structure Balance One Another
As you are building structure, remember to bring in nurture. You may be having difficulty moving forward in building a new structure because you haven’t had good models for nurturing yourself. Consider the following sources: internal, external, and eternal.
Changing the nurture and structure of our lives is vulnerable work. Oftentimes, we are limited by false ideas about our worth, value, etc. This is a time for stepping out of those false psychologically-based narratives and into our truth.
The truth is always accessible to us. That’s why I added the “eternal” category. Setting aside our stories of who we think we are to discover ourselves beyond the limits of our narrative can be emotionally dysregulating. Reach out to your inner observer. Acknowledge and name the dysregulation. And let the thought go.
Prepare to step into discovery … the land of stories in process.
To read more about creating a balance between nurture and structure, I have a blog and handouts on my website Soul & Steady.