One day, as I was walking under the arbor, I caught a glimpse of a sly greyish-white figure in my periphery. I stopped. Took a couple of steps back and looked around until it revealed itself.
It was a small statue of a fox sitting in the ground by one of the bushes as if it had been there the whole time. (I pulled the fox out a little to take this picture.) Of course, it had. We had been living in the home for two and a half months by that time. I walked that path multiple times a day. By that time, I had discovered so many garden treasures that I had darted my eyes around that area hoping to find something else.
I didn’t see it when I was looking for it.
I found it when it was time.
The yard is mythical. That moment was magical. It wasn’t magic, of course. It was simply Late Summer’s hand drawing in the branches and leaves as they waited, thirsty for Autumn showers.
Around the same time, I bought both a painting and a sculpture of foxes without realizing what they had in common … I simply had to have them.
Foxes can symbolize cleverness and often represent the trickster archetype. The fox can symbolize a spiritual guide or even serendipity. The shadow aspects of the trickster include deception. The light aspects include questioning authority. The trickster readily breaks the rules that don’t make sense, are oppressive, and ought to be broken.
I didn’t think too much about the brief, yet, serendipitous, fox theme. I simply delighted in it. I am bringing it up now because out of all of the found items in our garden, the fox is the one that reminds me most of my second son. I said yesterday that I would write about him and his development during COVID. He is 12, going on 13 in just a few weeks. Physically, he is 12 going on 16.
In many ways, this second son is more advanced than my first. He has more of a mustache coming in, his skin is breaking out, his muscles are more developed. This guy started crawling at 4.5 months and walking at 9 months. I couldn’t believe it. Looking back, it makes sense. This is the only child that ever elicited comments from strangers about his muscle tone. It happened multiple times. “He has impressive core strength.” “Wow, he’s got great muscle tone.”
Now, he is quickly advancing in tennis. He loves being a lefty in the sport. He’s very new to it. It was during this pandemic that we decided to channel his interest in Fruit Ninja into Tennis. When I say “Fruit Ninja” I mean a real-world version.
Sometime early this year, I started noticing the fruit was going quicker. I was pleased the boys were eating more of it. It didn’t take me long to find apple seeds in weird places, dried fruit juice here and there, and finally fruit carcasses scattered around the yard. I learned that this son used his Renaissance Faire sword to … destroy the fruit. In essence, the doing demands during a time that required being (developmentally and in many ways socially from the pandemic), felt like an oppressive system filled with rules worthy of rebellion. And BOY did he rebel.
I took it upon myself to find a healthy outlet for this energy. We signed him up for tennis lessons.
He was an obvious newb. His shoes were bright white on the first night. He wore long pants in the cold. His racket was too small. He didn’t think he needed to tie back his long hair.
Was he embarrassed? Not at all. He showed up and got his butt kicked by smaller kids. He moved up to a higher tier and then he really got his butt kicked by smaller kids. He kept showing up. His shoes became scuffed, he wears shorts, he has the right size racket, and he sports a man bun.
On Doing
He doesn’t like to tell me how he does. He doesn’t like anything that resembles assessment. This is true if he is doing poorly or well. I get it.
There’s a part of him that just wants to “be.” He is nearly 13 and developmentally advanced, so I am going to explore through the lens of what usually happens for 13-year-olds.
On Being
At 13, teens recycle the 0- to 6-month stage of development. This stage, according to Pam Levin (read Cycles of Power/Becoming the Way We Are) is all about “being.” This is when infants need affirmation just for being in the world.
Beyond six months, this stage is significant when we are sick, going through change, grieving a loss, or even beginning something new. I’m going to write that again:
… this stage is significant when we are sick, going through change, grieving a loss, or even beginning something new.
When recycled at 13 years of age, teens’ brains are developing and nerve cells are myelinating. Teens reach out for closeness via touch. Touch stimulates myelination and brain growth.
Physical touch is necessary biologically and psychologically. Nurturing touch offers affirmations for being such as, “I’m glad you exist/are here.”
Recycling Being During COVID
COVID posed myriad challenges. (See above: “this stage is significant when we are sick, going through change, grieving a loss, or even beginning something new.”) All of these were relevant. (And, yes, he was the only child who got COVID.)
When infants are born, they need validation just for being in the world. If they don’t get it, they may later question their right to exist or feel that right is conditional/based upon the external judgment of worth. When this stage is recycled, people may just stop doing and focus solely on being. (It wasn’t JUST me was it? No, I have that “languishing” article to back me up.”
That is exactly what this son did at school. Rather than hearing the usual raves about his integrated thinking and warmth, we started to get emails communicating teachers’ concerns. “He’s so behind, I don’t think he will catch up.” “I found his behavior intentionally disrespectful.” One teacher wanted to work with us behind his back to change his behavior. We suggested she email him and CC us so that they can work together and we offer parental support from our end. Another teacher attempted to publicly shame him into doing better. That backfired. If there is one thing this guy doesn’t like it’s an amateur attempt to outfox him. He showed her it wouldn’t work: he failed the class. He (mostly) didn’t even mind losing his phone as a result.
Determined to prove his worth no matter what, he was all about being instead of doing.
Physical Touch
No matter how much we disagreed with each other, he always came up to my room for a hug, kiss, and sometimes to watch a show as I dozed off. When he didn’t seek nurturing physical touch he sought playful and/or combative touch. “Poop,” he’d say, walking up behind me and then laughing at my annoyance before nuzzling his head into my neck. He’s almost as tall as I am and he still laughs at the word.
Evaluation
As for the doing related to tennis, while he was throwing himself into practices, he wouldn’t tolerate evaluation. “So how did you do?” I’d ask. “I had fun.” “Stop.” “Don’t do that mom thing.” He’d reply. “So did you have fun?” I’d ask. “I know what you’re doing.” “It’s not going to work.” “Don’t ask me anything.” He’d say.
I switched to silently smiling at him when he got to the car and then not saying anything. “Can we go get food?” He’d ask. “What would you like?” I’d respond. “Whatever. So, I did this really cool thing today … ”
I’m learning.
I’m curious how I am recycling this stage.
As I mentioned yesterday, we grownups recycle the development stages as our children go through them.
And if you’ve read any other newsletters of mine then you will likely conclude that I am indeed recycling this stage.
(See above: “this stage is significant when we are sick, going through change, grieving a loss, or even beginning something new.”)
All of these were relevant. (And, yes, I was the only parent who got COVID with this child.)
Going through the changes of my leaving my job
Moving to CA
Moving into our home
Getting sick with COVID (and all of the domino effects including a broken tailbone)
Grieving many losses related to the job, the move, and my health/energy
Beginning something new? All the things.
There are times I could barely find the energy to be, let alone do. I needed positive strokes for being during this time and yet my world was all about doing … for those around me. I got a lot of negative strokes for doing (and being) because … parenting during a pandemic.
I admit it, I despaired. Sometimes, I still do. Monday I did. Tuesday I did too. Wednesday, I started writing.
I’m learning to do the things that aren’t just a solace or balm to what aches and ales, but also the things that invigorate me with a sense of meaning and purpose. (Believe it or not, this practice of writing does just that.) The email responses I get from readers are about what I am doing, yet they feel like affirmations for being. I am taking them in.
Confirmations feel like all the paths were leading me here, now, all along.
This is such a fleeting feeling: a dragonfly.
I keep writing: staying near the water.
Zooming Out to Society
I don’t think we parent this stage well. Overall, we seem to do OK the first time, but not when teens are recycling this stage. We tend to continue to demand doing when 13-year-olds are starving for affirmations for being. Just for being. Teens in this stage are developing sexually and we often turn them away when they reach out to us for physical closeness. Maybe we tell them they are too old to cuddle us. Maybe we don’t offer to hold and nurturing when they cry.
In response, they learn to replace strokes for being with strokes for doing. These strokes don’t feel the same, however, so they do more and more. We give more strokes for their achievements and before we know it they are workaholics seeking a way to numb their physical and emotional pain so they can keep on going no matter what.
When I think about the pandemic, it really stunted growth in this stage. We all became vigilant about all the things we did and couldn’t let our guard down. I found it affected my running so much that I bought a treadmill, in part, so I could run and let my mind wander without worrying about who was coming around a corner and whether or not they would be unmasked or get too close to me.
Some of us found new ways to connect with ourselves and others that affirmed our being …
The Piano: Everything Feels Like Homework
I really got it when this second son said, about piano practice, “Everything feels like homework and I don’t want to do it. … I don’t want to learn songs I don’t enjoy playing.” “
What do you want to learn?” I asked.
“More scales and theory,” he said.
“OK, do you want my support in negotiating that with your teacher?”
“No,” he said.
Two days later, he was practicing a song.
“I don’t know what to do with my left hand,” he said.
“What’s written in the music?” I asked.
“What? Uh, no, this is my song. I wrote it and I don’t know what to do with my left hand.”
“Oh,” I said surprised that he had written that jazzy tune. “You wrote that piece. I bet your teacher would enjoy helping you if you play it for him.”
“No, I didn’t write it …” he paused. “I mean, yes, I made it up, but I haven’t technically written it. Yeah, I wrote it,” he said as he put down his sly armor. “I’ll record it and send it to him.”
“I bet he’ll be impressed,” I said. “I am.”
“Yeah?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
He didn’t reveal it when I was looking for it.
He revealed it in his time.
He broke through the rules and was free to discover … himself.
Note: We need doing and being. Being helps validate our essence. You may or may not see that as a spiritual process. I do. Doing brings that essence alive in the world around us. This is especially true when the two overlap and things we do feel like an expression of our essence. It is also true when we choose to do for others—service.
Service to others is a pure expression. We tend to believe that we “do good” and therefore our being has (earned) value. That concept is rooted in shaming: That person has done so much bad, therefore his life doesn’t have value. The core of service isn’t about what we are saying about ourselves. It’s about what we are saying about others. We see the essence/value in others and express it in our caring actions toward them.
There’s more here, and it is related to our larger society and to psychotherapeutic concepts that sprouted from ideas tainted by white supremacy. It’s so widespread that it’s easily deniable. I’ll save that exploration for another day … likely, for many days to come.
P.S. My parents are here and I have a workshop to deliver Sunday. I am going to continue this brief series Monday when I explore our current times through a developmental lens that fits my third son.